so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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