I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
