Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
home. puking in laundry basket.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
