Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
