I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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