I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
