I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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