my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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