I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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