Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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