Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
