I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
