I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I feel like death gave me a hand job
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
