i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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