Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
