dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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