your parents love me but you hate me
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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