In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
