I need help removing her.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
