Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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