lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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