i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
