Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
