i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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