i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
