I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
