Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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