Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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