jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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