Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
