Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
