alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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