dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
