Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
