I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
