i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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