i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
