Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
