she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
