ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
