I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
