"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
