the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
