You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
