You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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