he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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