i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
