that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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