ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
No...this little piggys going to the bar
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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