Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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