woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
