i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
