DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
