You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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